My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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