I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
thus making me awesome and them whores
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
