lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
