Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
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