I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
