I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
