U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
my vag is so smooth its legendary
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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