There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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