So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I smell stomach acid.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
