I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
