did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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