She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
