Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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