The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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