My liver just broke up with me...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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