my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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