how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
3pm strippers are depressing
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
