Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
