Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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