No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
