I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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