I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Are my feet made of real feet?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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