I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
