Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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