My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Drunk is not a location!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
