I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
