I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
