I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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