I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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