grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
