It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
