***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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