I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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