The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
