i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
