If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I supernannyed him into submission
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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