i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She just used a chaser for red wine.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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