Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
