My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
