i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
