After last night, I could never be a politician.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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