a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
