That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
