Me. At least after what I've been through.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
whose parrot is this?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
