I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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