I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
