Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
