He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
