On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
