He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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